I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
