Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
