it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
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