I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
