Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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