I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
