Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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