Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
YAS. BRING CRAB.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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