nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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