Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
