Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
