the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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