ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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