she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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