my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
