Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
