new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
