My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
