nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
