Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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