Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
