Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
