The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
