obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
