Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
