i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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