I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
