Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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