I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
