She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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