she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
