im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
