It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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