Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
