I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My vagina is officially offended.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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