Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We talked him into tasing himself.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
