I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
