How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
