Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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