u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
