My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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