in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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