Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
