Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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