Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
