Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
