I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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