I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
