My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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