dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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