i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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