Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
