You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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